I have always been quite a shy and introverted person and I would often worry unnecessarily, even as a young child, yet it was nowhere near severe enough for me to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. However, 4 years ago, a few weeks after my 15th Birthday and the first day back at school after the Christmas holidays, I experienced my first panic attack. Now I have never been the biggest fan of going to school, probably like most teenagers, yet I was pretty much always present and was regarded as a quiet and studious pupil. However, when I woke up on the first day of this new term, I had suddenly developed what I can only describe as a mental block about going to school, where it felt like my brain and body were fighting each other, which eventually culminated in a panic attack.
This was the start of an ongoing battle with myself nearly every morning before school for the next few weeks, in which I would wake up feeling physically unwell with symptoms such as nausea, dry mouth, going hot and cold, headaches and dizziness every morning, as well as the odd panic attack occurring at least once or twice a week. As well as this, I was also starting to lose interest in my normal day to day activities. I remember on several occasions not even having the motivation to take a shower and my Mum has also told me that whenever we went out shopping, something I have always loved, it looked like I never wanted to be there. It was whilst this was going on that I had a Doctors appointment for a check up and my Mum happened to mention that I wasn't really going in to school. After being told to basically "snap out of it and go to school as it's law", by the Doctor, I was also told that it sounded like I had Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Depression. I remember walking out of the consultation room feeling slightly embarrassed that I was feeling this way about school, as it had been a normal part of my life for 10 years, as well as feeling like I'd been kicked in the gut after being told I had depression at the age of 15.
From then on, it felt like I was on a downward spiral. Having both anxiety and depression is like you're standing on the edge of a cliff about to jump. The anxiety part of your mind is running wild with thoughts about each different scenario and outcome - what would happen if you jump, what would happen if you don't etc - so that you can no longer hear yourself think. Contrasting this, the depression part of you makes it feel as though you have already fallen because, quite honestly, you don't really feel anything. This constant struggle of emotions I experienced everyday meant I was barely attending school, as the symptoms I experienced as a result of my anxiety disorder made me feel too physically unwell to attend. Panic attacks became a regular part of my life, which completely drained me, both physically and mentally, so much so that it was too exhausting to do anything besides lie on the sofa all day. The effect this had on my emotional state was also pretty negative as I became increasingly withdrawn and distanced from my friends and peers, which led to a constant feeling of isolation and loneliness, sometimes even in the presence of my own family. There were days where I would stay in my room all day and not even see my family as I felt like I received no sympathy from them and knew they would discuss me behind my back as I think they thought I was simply crying wolf to avoid going to school, which was not the case. I would consider this to be the lowest point of my life. Being a teenager is quite a challenging time anyway, what with the raging hormones, exam stress and peer pressure, yet with the added burden of both my anxiety and depression, it felt like I was carrying around a huge weight on my shoulders. On top of all this I still had to manage my Type 1 Diabetes which, despite trying my best, became quite uncontrolled and erratic, no doubt caused by what my body and mind were currently going through.
At the time I was fully aware of the Stigma attached to Mental Health, which led me to suffer in silence at the height of my anxiety and depression. I wanted none of my family and friends to know what I was going through as I was not only ashamed but also didn't want to be seen as weak or abnormal because of my condition. I did eventually work up the courage to tell my friends what I was going through but, whilst initially supportive, it felt like they soon forgot, which further reinforced my feelings of loneliness and withdrawal. However, a couple of years later, after taking my GCSE's, I became friends with another group of people, which really helped my mental and emotional state. I immediately felt like I belonged in this group, as well as feeling comfortable being myself, which I hadn't felt in a long time. I actually ended up suffering a panic attack in front of them whilst on a school trip, which wasn't exactly my finest hour, yet the way they supported me put me so much more at ease and I finally felt like I no longer had to hide a part of myself. They had seen me at my worst, yet they didn't treat me differently because of it, and they completely accepted me the way I was.
When I compare my life today with how I was 4 years ago there is a huge difference. When I suffered with my anxiety and depression I became like an half-ghost, going about my day to day life without actually living any of it. Today however I am like a completely different person, in a much happier place mentally and emotionally and having much stronger relationships with both my family and friends. If anyone that happens to read this is going through anything similar, I want you to know that with a little bit of determination it will get better and whilst it may be difficult it is completely worth it in the end.
Thank you for reading,
Megan
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